Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Unfrozen Caveman Blog Entry

1) I miss Phil Hartman. I swear, there are close personal friends of mine whom I've lost touch with that I do not miss as much as Phil Hartman. "My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicky."

2) I may need psycho analysis if I cannot have a more arm's length relationship with my Saturday Night Live friends.

3) should not be one word above. Psychoanalysis implies therapy so you can get better. I need Psycho see if I am a Psycho.

4) I have a confession to make. I don't give a hoot about the new Wonder Woman coming out. I'm not really a comic book kind of guy. And to be honest, if anyone is going to tie someone up and make them tell the truth, it should be me. Then I could finally get to the bottom of who keeps feeding bath oil to the betta fish.

5) Actually, I know who did it. It's you Tara. Ha! But you're two and you can't read. So you will wander around the house, smiling, thinking you got away with the deed. That is, until approximately 2016 when you'll be old enough for Google. Or Bloogle or whatever Ooogle we're using by then. And you'll read this. And you'll know. I was too smart for you. I win.

6) I have A&W Root Beer in my fridge and you don't.

7) I wonder how A&W was formed? I bet at one time, back in the golden age of roots and beers, you could get a root beer for every letter in the alphabet and even some dipthongs. Perhaps in Dodge City a young chap strapped with a pearl handled Colt 45 sidled up to the bar and ordered an ice cold Q Root Beer.

But then times got tough. In the depression, a lot of the letters just went under. A merger of LMNOP was attempted for the brand loyalty alone among children learning to sing the alphabet, but alas, it could not compete with "A" root beer.

Of course it couldn't. How could any mortal root beer compete with "A" root beer. I mean, people inevitably walked into a store and said "give me a root beer". "A" had the built in advantage that any product craves. That's why the Automobile Association of America isn't called Triple Z.

So why W? How did W outlast the other 24 beers of the root and force what I can only imagine was a difficult merger. Perhaps a proxy fight at a 1920s depression era board meeting. Who can tell? But today I, for one, salute you "W" root beer. Like David standing in front of goliath, you took your delicious bark of sassafras and brought Big Root Beer to its knees

8) Before anyone gets any ideas I am enforcing a no-fly zone over my mini-fridge with one of those remote controlled helicopters you get at the hobby shop.

9) My daughter went to the emergency department to have a raisin professionally extracted from her sinuses and that was only the third most stressful thing that happened yesterday. I might have to switch off of root beer to the hard stuff if this keeps up.

10) The local announcement channel...(you know the one that tells you when the lodge meeting is happening or that the Class of '81 is having their 30th reunion)'s still adorned with Christmas background. I wonder if somebody got shot over there and nobody is looking in on him. But then again, the announcements keep getting I guess everything is ok...

11) Is there any way I could learn to play the guitar without actually being taught or spending any effort at all? Like maybe hypnosis? I really want to learn...but I also don't want to do anything about it. Come on's the new millenium. Weren't we supposed to have flying cars by now? Where's my player guitar?

12) I wonder if there was a player guitar, would there then follow playa hata guitars? (That's for you, Cassie)

13) I swear someone installed a Wheel of Fortune channel on my TV. It's on ALL the time. Seriously, if this is some kind of prank, you got me. I give. Enough of Pat and Vanna already

14) I wonder if when they were figuring out the prime numbers, they found that no numbers were actually prime. Then some really smart young mathematician stood up and said "If we don't count division by 1, we'll have a whole bunch of primes!" So they decided that even though a number could be divided by 1, it was still prime. Then another guy said..."Dude, that's unreal." - and voila! We get non-real numbers. I bet it happened something like that. Or there was heavy drinking involved.

15) If I were to invent a brand new font, I would name it "Smug"


  1. I am with you on #1. ::sigh::

  2. Favorite use of "dipthong" in a blog EVAR.

  3. I cried when Phil Hartman died. He's the only celebrity I've ever cried over. I've pre-determined I will cry over Leonard Nimoy.

  4. @AllergyBird and Cheryl: It's an absolute shame that Hartman was taken so young and so senselessly. And there's nobody really to blame. Things just happen. Mental illness is a real problem.

    But boy is it sad.

  5. @Jennie: Do you know they don't even teach dipthongs anymore? They call them blends. I feel like my parents when they ranted on about the "new math".