Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The more you know....

1)When you start a family, people come out of the woodwork to give you advice. They want to tell you how it will be and what skills you will need to cope. They tell you their mistakes and caution you to avoid them. They suggest books, videos and personal one man shows by Richard Simmons that will help you become a better father, husband, lover, friend and joint bank account trustee.

What they don't tell you:

*You'll never have a relaxing shower again in your life. When you have babies, you have to be listening. Listening ALL the time. Because the baby might be crying. That's if you're daring enough to shower when your spouse isn't home. "So what's the big deal dummy", you might say. (Pretty tough words coming from you, my dear anonymous internet reader). "Shower when your spouse is home" you say. You can't relax then either because you have to listen for your spouse crying because the baby will SIMPLY not stop crying. And if the baby is sleeping, it's an exciting thing. So freaking exciting that your spouse will want to tell you all about it...while you're in the shower.

When you're a rookie daddy this seems fabulous. You'll open the door and try to twirl your John Thomas around in a circle saying "woo woo!". This will almost certainly entice your wife to ignore the fact that she has diaper cream on her eyebrows and jump naked into the shower with you. But that won't happen. And the conversation about the sleeping baby will devolve into grocery lists, how you could save 10 dollars a month if you drove an extra 2 miles to buy diapers at a store that will double manufacturers coupons up to $.99 and a confirmation that your parents are, in fact, visiting on the 25 and not the weekend of the 18th because you originally said the 25th but your mother said something about two weeks from now and that would actually be a Wednesday so could you please call your parents and ask which weekend is actually is?

And now you're out of hot water. At least in the shower.

But Mark! Certainly this gets better as the kids get older? Honestly, how would I know? I left those people years ago to get a decent shower. But for the sake of argument, let's say I had stayed around and the kids are now older. Maybe preschool age. They can all understand the shower and they don't need constant observation.

No. You're still not getting a relaxing shower. No. Not even if you have a bedroom master suite with a private shower with a triple locked door.

You: (Enjoying a shower.)

Child: Daadadd. Wlkjar is theeres doo ockkkkkk?

You: I can't hear you. I'm in the shower. (Or, when did you learn Norweigian?)

Child: Daadadd. Wlkjar is theeres doo ockkkkkk!!!!!



You: (Turning the water off) WHAT??

Child: Daddy, why is the door locked?

You: I'm in the shower.

Child: Are you getting clean?

You: Yes. Go find mommy.

Child: Do you have a pickle?

You: Yes. Go FIND MOMMY!

Child: I don't have a pickle because I'm a girl.

You: Yes. I know.

Child: This is a white door.


Child: Mommy's in the basement.

You: Go find mommy, please baby girl ok. Daddy needs to wash his hair.

Child: Are you using shampoo?

You: Yes.

Child: Do you have toys?

You: (Now freezing) No. No toys. Ok honey. Daddy's gonna turn the shower on again.

Child: Ok Daddy. (Water on.)

Child: Daaddyyyy. Doeooaoss gramkkkka taasslkdj assstiiii?

You: I'm in the shower honey. I can't hear you.

Child: Wurstlin epock fruit bat Kenobi hit by hurrify with me???

It is at this point that you will shut the water off and go hose yourself off in the yard to have more privacy.

For the record I did epock that fruit bat Kenobi with her, because that's what you have to do if you're going to be a good daddy.

2)My childhood home was just added to the National Register of Historic places. Won't my parents be surprised?

3) Hurricane Gilma checks in as the 7th most powerful Pacific Hurricane on record. As you all know, Hurricane's start as tropical depressions. I'd be depressed too if my name was Gilma.

4) Get out of my room. Yes, you. Get behind the velvet rope and observe my bed, writing desk and vast array of pennants pinned to the ceiling. Where the hell is that Park Ranger anyway?

5) You never hear about any Hurricanes being named after dogs. Or dinosaurs. Or Sean Penn. Why is that?

6) You know the banking industry is in trouble when American Express is touting it's Plum card. Is this what we have become? It's a card with a made up color and they're practically begging people to sign up. That's not the American Express *I* know.

I'll know we're on the right track again when I see a little green card with a sexually ambiguous, yet menacing Spartan on the front. You won't be able to apply for the card unless you hear about it from a friend who heard it from a friend. In fact, REO Speedwagon will be put directly in charge of new members. And in the very unlikely event that you qualify for the card, you won't be able to use it anywhere.

If you do defy the odds and use the card, you'll have to pay the money back within 6.2 hours or the hefty late fees will pile up.

Plum card? Please. American Express has historically done business like a Long Island bookie or a ruthless Chicagoland loan shark. I'm trying to "win the future" here and I can tell you one thing, the future ain't plum.

7) "Excuse me? Do you accept Diner's Club?"

8) Once I accidentally clicked "random article" on the Wikipedia homepage. Why does anyone do that? The only time I'm even on Wikipedia is to settle a bet, prove my wife incorrect, or edit a page to win a bet or an argument with my wife.

9) Metzler Orgelbau is a firm of organ builders based in Dietikon, near Zurich, Switzerland. It is one of the most important makers of the European classical organ revival and has built many important and respected instruments throughout Europe. I happened to know all of that off the top of my head.

10) I will bet any of you that Walt Disney was only 4'8".

11) Speaking of Wikipedia. The Donate to Wikipedia button always intrigues me. What kind of scam is that? We input the data. We update the articles. Now you want me to pay? Fine. I'll throw you a few bucks, but could you wait at least 24 hours before correcting my edit that I was the inspiration for "Blood Diamond"?

12) I've had a lot of complaints about the time to load this page as well as the length of time between updates. You'll be glad to know I've finally done a major hardware upgrade. I ditched my Amiga and am now working on a spiffy Commodore 64.

13) That last one was geek humor. I'm not REALLY wasn't really working on an Amiga and i'm not REALLY working on a Commodore 64. In fact, no matter what computer I use, I'm not really working anyway.

14) Yeah, yeah. I'm on a break, ok?

15) Since I'm on a break, I considered sitting down and entertaining my fellow co-workers with a little sonata by Beethoven or maybe "Eye of the Tiger". Who can tell? It depends on my mood. However, the organ was some knock off piece of crap and I refuse to play on anything other than an authentic Metzler Orglebau.

1 comment:

  1. I was at work once and trying to avoid doing anything useful, so I was on Wikipedia. I figured Wikipedia was a nice safe site to be browsing from work. Makes sense, right? So I click "random article", and I swear to God, it took me to the article on Erections, where there are about 17 pictures of erect schlongs. So I never click "random article" anymore.

    (This is Cassie, btw.)