Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Commuting 101

I like to begin blog entries with the word "so". So I was taking a bath... So I was going to the mailbox to mail "Sinbad in Vegas" back to Netflix... So I was dangling off of the side of Nakatomi Plaza like John McLane...

Not today however.

So I'm on my way to work (there it is!) and my brain is doing its own thing. I have the radio on, but it could be Korean folks singers crooning about...well...Korean folks stuff I guess...because I have no recollection. My drive is a steady stream of thoughts that entertain, confuse and annoy me. Naturally I thought I should share them with you.

1) Why do some tombstones tilt over while some don't? I know the standard explanation is that the ground settles and moves over the years. But my parent's patio has been there forever and the picnic table isn't at a 45 degree angle. Some of these people want out and you're not gonna tell me differently

2) I come up to a bridge and a very helpful sign (this will become a theme) tells me that the right shoulder is closed. I should hope so because the right shoulder is filled with 10-15 port a johns. If it wasn't closed that would be one exciting drive for me (and quite a shock for anyone using them I suppose). Also, it's not enough to have the sign and block the right shoulder with portable personal relief devices, but 20 yards of police tape stretch across in front to further encourage me not to drive on the shoulder. If someone sees the road sign AND the Olympic Port A John Village and still has a wild hair to barrel down the right shoulder, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that a few feet of "Police Line: Do Not Cross" isn't about to deter them.

3) Dolley Madison Avenue has a gigantic sign saying "NO RIGHT TURN ON RED FROM LEFT LANE". Is this really a problem? If you're gonna cut across 4 lanes of traffic on a red light, are you the type of person to see the sign and say "Oh. Damn. Didn't know that wasn't kosher."

4) The road is spelled Dolley Madison. Is that right? My whole life I've spelled her name Dolly, not Dolley. I should have a bit more historical awareness of the woman who risked life and limb to sneak back into the White House during the War of 1812 to save all of the historical documents and the recipe to fudge ripple ice cream.

5) More fun with signs: "Slow down, gate is closed". I'm gonna say you should do a bit more than that if the gate is closed. Are they just wanting you to smash through it at a reasonable speed? Further, that's a permanent sign. Does that mean the gate never goes up? Not much of a gate then in my mind. More of a blockade then, isn't it?

6) I live in the National Capital Area (TM), at least as far as you know, and people go on and on about the cherry blossoms. Yeah, yeah, They are great. They're great every year just like they have been since I moved here in 1995. I'll let you in on a secret, the Cherry Blossoms are like that hot celebrity you've never met or a beauty pageant contestant. Everybody talks about them and they're universally thought to be fabulous but up close they're taping their breasts together and putting Vaseline on their teeth.

7) The Methodist Church a quarter mile from the CIA has a sign up that says "Mission Sunday". Hmmm...

8) More fun with signs: "No STANDING, STOPPING, PARKING". Isn't parking a bit much considering the first two restrictions? If you can figure out a way to park your car without stopping, I'd like to hear it. On second thought, I'd rather see the YouTube video.

9) I worked construction for an ENTIRE summer while going to college in order to avoid manual labor of any kind. As such, I feel empowered to give you my opinion that a "Ditch Witch" while very manly, does not sport a manly name. I may, in fact, call my venture capitalist friends even tonight to suggest that we invent the "Ditch Warlock". I predict 100 percent market share.

"Hey Bob. What have you got there, ditch witch?"

"Helll no! Ditch Warlock."


"Yep. It's the the WARLOCK model. You need to get one too. That one you're sitting on might as well be pink with a wicker basket in the front."

Honestly...every big tool should just be called "SmasherXJ17 Rodeo Testosterone Explosion". All of them.  This is why I have a marketing degree.

10)  Apparently they people using the ditch witch work for "Rock Hard Construction". Yes. That's the name of the outfit. I tried to take a picture of their HUGE yellow sign but my 6 beep rule prevented me. If you're not familiar with that rule...I'll stop in the middle of the road with no warning, no signal and office no concept of what I'm trying to do, but upon the sixth beep of the person behind me, I'll get moving again. It used to be a seven beep rule until that unfortunate incident where I got my ass kicked.

11) I be the Rock Hard construction guys would really enjoy a Ditch Warlock.

12) There's a sign about 1/2 mile before the bridge into DC that says "Bridge work ahead". I appreciate the warning especially when the line for the bridge is 3 miles long. After I've waited 45 minutes to move two miles, knowing why I've been waiting is critical. If Dolley Madison had to use this bridge when fleeing the British, we wouldn't know the taste of Rocky Road today.

telework, fool."?

13) Crossing the bridge, I see a flock of seagulls. This confuses me because we are MILES from the nearest Burger King.

14) In the National Graffiti Tournament, the number one overall seed would have to be railroad bridges.

15) Rural mailboxes would be the 11th seed and Jay Bilas would complain that the mailbox should never have gotten into the tourney before the suburban 7-11 bathroom.

16) "Left turns prohibited Tues, Wed and alternate Fri between 6am and 10am" Are you serious? No way in hell I will ever take a road that needs to be modified by a subordinate clause. The sign might as well have an arrow and the words "Head on collision, THIS WAY"

17) Just got an email from my Flex Benefits Coordinator reminding me that March 31st is the last day to file for reimbursement or I'll lose all my money. That happened one year and boy did it hurt. To avoid that ever happening again, I make sure my wife attacks me with a claw hammer every year between Christmas and New Years, just to be sure.


  1. I'm wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard! "Olympic Port A John Village" -- classic!

  2. YOU are a lunatic, I miss your deep thoughts. Post more often.

  3. "It used to be a seven beep rule until that unfortunate incident where I got my ass kicked." Love it.