Is it a typo if you're using a chisel?

*

1) My Philadelphia Flyers lost a valiant battle for the Stanley Cup last night. I could be depressed about it, but then I think about all the joy that Justin Bieber brings and I'm floating on air.

2) I'm actually fairly proud that I had to google "justin" to see how to spell his last name. That said, I still might have butchered it, but I refuse to check again. Like he's gonna read this.

3)"Your name is Michael Bolton? Wow. I've always been a fan but you must really love his stuff."

"Um. Yeah. He's...he's ok."

"I celebrate his entire catalog."


4) I want to meet the writer who came up with "I celebrate his entire catalog." That's pure genius. If I'd come up with that the world would never have known because I'd have died of asphyxiation before getting it on paper.

5) I'm spelling and I have no idea if I'm doing it correctly. Yet, I refuse to spell check. I'm a rebel on a train to nowhere and I haven't even paid my fare!

6) Some people have issues with drinking or drugs. Some struggle with food. I battle every day with homonyms.

7) I'm looking at a pop up article about interior design. It encourages me to "See how your solution compares to the pros!"

Well, I can answer that for you right now. My solution would suck compared to the pros. The last designing I did involved stolen milk crates, concrete blocks and a large wooden spool as a coffee table. I'm happy if my socks match for goodness sakes. And now that I'm a parent, I have three little people who will point out that my socks don't match.

8) I only drink water. Well...as far as YOU know, I only drink water. But I don't drink tap water because I hate tap water. A conundrum for many people, but for only $.89 I can drink carbonated water from a 2 liter bottle. I even have mild brand loyalty. I prefer Zazz from Giant. So if you're thinking ahead to my birthday (less than two months away) you can get off pretty darn easy by sending me an 89 cent gift card to Giant.

Yeah, that's all well and good. Who cares Mark? Get to the point Mark.

Fine. I will. It seems the mob of short people who roam my house wanting food, entertainment and a quiet place to defecate have become convinced that they are my support crew in some sort of battle against thirst. As such, they will bring me two liter bottles of Zazz no matter where I am and no matter what I am doing. In addition, they are competitive with each other and once one has done the deed and gotten the requisite thanks from Daddy, the other two must find more water and bring it to me. Someday when I'm drinking beer this will become quite handy I suppose. For now though, I'd prefer not to have a 3 year old opening the shower stall door, giggling, and handing me a two liter bottle of water. And of course, I accept it and stack it next to the other four bottles I have in there.

The really frustrating part is that at 10pm when I want some water, the cupboard is completely empty and it's a scavenger hunt around the house to get some of the good stuff. I amazed and delighted my wife the other day when I thought I was going to have to go to the store to get more water until I took a quick look in the kids playroom and pulled out a pristine bottle from underneath the comfy chair. And there were two more behind it.

9) I played the Powerball yesterday for the 28 million dollar jackpot. I did not win.

10) Was it really necessary to mention that I didn't win? If I did, I would certainly be awash in champagne while blasting Vanilla Ice at "11" (oh yes I would) and dancing in my underwear and mismatched socks.

11) I wonder if there's any champagne under the comfy chair?

12) For kicks, feel free to pick five numbers from 1-60 and the Powerball. I will give a prize to anyone who can match more than two numbers OR the Powerball on my tickets. I have six tickets. Offer void in Wisconsin or if you are my wife.

13) Gary Coleman's crazy wife plans to scatter his ashes on train tracks. Lovely. Can't she be arrested for something? They refuse to put Lindsay Lohan in jail no matter what she does, so can't we lock up Coleman's wife instead? Either that or send her on a little trip to Cabo and give her Joran Van der Sloot as a roomie. This is why I should have my own show: "Unusual Justice"

14) I just coughed and it hurt my back. This never happened in my 20s.

15) I know you're all waiting for my opinion about USA Soccer and the World Cup. Yeah, well...keep waiting.

16) I do think that the Olympics should add the following: Kickball, Whiffle Ball, Freeze Tag, Red Rover, and a new sport called "The Bra Trick" where women from around the world remove their bras without taking off their shirts.

17) Seriously, that ability amazes and teases us at the same time. Do you get taught that in school on the same day they indoctrinate you on asserting that natural position of the toilet seat is down?

18) I feel bad for the girl who was trying to circumnavigate the globe and is now lost at sea. She is only sixteen so it's a big deal. I think I'm going to try for the record of oldest, least experienced sailor ever to circumnavigate the globe. I'll make a website www.marksails.com and plot out the course of my trip. Of course, since I'm a clueless sailor the dotted line planning my route will go into the Mediterranean sea and then double back out of it after several attempts to sail across Turkey. Being a man I would never stop and ask for directions and I don't speak Turkish anyway. I'll plan this and get tons of press (or at least get a lot of twitter posts with #thisguyisgonnadrown). Then I'll head up to the Chesapeake Bay, rent a boat, sail out about 20 feet and then send out a distress call to the Coast Guard. Kevin Costner or somebody like him can heroically fish me out of the water and I'll return as the mighty adventurer.

19) If I really did attempt to sail anywhere, the boat would probably sink under the weight of the 400 bottles of Zazz my well meaning children had hidden below deck.

20) I decline beer and soda in front of my kids from time to time. They began to ask why. Eventually I brought it to the preschool level and said that I wanted to feel better by drinking the water. Well, that didn't work because they're kids and they always feel better. So I told them, "Listen, daddy drinks the water so that his tummy won't get too big."

Well, they bought into that rationale. So much so that my daughter will announce at a restaurant to "only bring my daddy water because he wants his tummy to stay small!" Once I was drinking a Coke Zero and they descended on me like a Kindergarten intervention, nearly crying, claiming that my tummy might explode.

21) I'll be setting sail shortly. Enjoy your day.

*