What's this fish doing in my bed?

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1) I took my car to get a new set of radial tires. (Random curiosity: Why do we use the term radial tires in 2010? Is anyone outside of Danica Patrick buying other kinds of tires?) Whilst I was there I inquired as to whether they could change the oil while the car was up on the jack. They said they would. I also made sure they'd mount the two new tires on the rear of the car. Check. No problem sir.

I walked home to my palatial estate assured that my vehicle was in capable hands.

Fawad, my newest bestest buddy, called me on the cell four hours later to tell me that my car was in fact, ready to be picked up. When I got there I had to wait for like seven hours to pay. Remind me to call Fawad in my spare time and suggest that he stagger the way he calls customers in to pick up their cars, will you?

But it was worth the wait when I picked up my car to find out that the new tires were incorrectly mounted on the front. Oh well, I said to myself. Or something like that. Listen, I'm telling a story and there's no telling what I actually said to myself. It's a leap of faith for you, OK?

So after "Oh welling" I opened the trunk to find out that my spare was thrown in there in the same manner as a silverback gorilla might handle a chew toy. At that point, my acute senses detected that a less than quality job might have been performed. As such, I checked the oil to see that it was far from the maple syrup look that one would expect and much more like the "Irish Guy dares his engine to fall out of the car" consistency.

At this time I re-entered the store to denounce my new friend as a charlatan and confidence man.

"But I didn't charge you for the oil change!" Was his honest retort.

Well, ok then. That's better at least. I mean, I didn't pay for the oil chan....wait, what? Then why is my bill the same as I assumed it would be?

Shop fee. Check.

Installation. Ok.

Tire cuddling. What?

Vulcanization surcharge. Now wait a second here!

I bet you won't even notice this charge, charge. Fawad!!!

"Oh. You wish me to remove those charges??"

2) I'm unclear how the cable company stays in business. I believe I receive about 117 individual mailings per day on why I should switch companies and use their product. They offer free months, free DVRs, and enough free Cinemax until I'm actually tired of looking at breasts. I used to have an actual functioning marketing degree, although it's probably expired by now, but I don't get it. Especially since I'm already a customer and wouldn't qualify for the promotions anyway.

3) I love when I get great promotions in the mail with crazy disclaimers. I think I got an offer from Coldstone Creamery for a free milkshake but in fine print is said "Must own goat."

4) I'm getting a free oil change, and you're not.

5) Stop laughing. Yes, I realize that my free oil change will probably end up with the top being cut off of my car and deer antlers being mounted. Maybe that could be a good look for me, did you ever think about that?

6) I just started doing business with Wells Fargo. I might have seen "The Music Man" too many times since every time I get some mail from them I think to myself "Or it could be, yes it really, really, really, really could be. Something special....JUST FOR ME!!!"

7) I am now having a hybrid thought of a car with the top cut off, mis-mounted tires and deer antlers on the hood pulling a covered wagon.

8) Celebrity Death Match: Rupert Boneham vs Russell Hantz

9) R.I.P. Ronny James Dio : I was not a fan but "Hungry for Heaven" was one of the best songs on the Vision Quest soundtrack which was one of the best soundtracks of all time.

10) I think I could take "The Shute".

11) What fish?

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