I don't recall Ferris being sick nine times.

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1) If you've ever seen the movie Blazing Saddles you know where the phrase "dazzling urbanite" comes from. If you haven't seen the movie, take out your credit card right now, join Netflix. Watch the movie on Instant View. Don't worry. I'll wait.

2) Ok. Is everyone back? Fabulous.

3) So, as I am a dazzling urbanite who works on a regular basis in a major metropolitan area, I have reason to park my trusty steed in an underground garage maintained by my employer. So, I've been parking in this garage for years, but only today did the sign on the wall grab my attention.

"Maximum Speed: 5mph"

Really? You've got to be joking.

Five miles a hour? Have any of you ever driven 5 miles an hour? I go faster than that over speed bumps. Think of going through that school zone when the light is flashing and you slow down to 15 mph. Ok, got that feeling? Now imagine that you are traveling three times faster than the legal limit in my garage.

So, as my mind is want to do, I wandered into what, if any, thought went into this speed limit posting. My first thought is that I could casually walk faster than five miles per hour. But then, I wondered if that was actually true.

I only run if chased so I have no idea how fast I can actually go. But for the sake of comparison, I started at the top.

Usain Bolt, largely considered to be the world's fastest man can run at roughly 21 miles per hour. Ok, fine. But that's a quick burst. What about longer distances you say? (You didn't say? Well...I'm saying, so deal. I'm making a point here.)

Haile Gebrselassie set the men's marathon world record at the 2008 Berlin marathon. He ran the 26.2 mile distance in 2 hours 3 minutes 59 seconds. His average running speed for this distance was 5.67 meters/second or 12.7 miles/hour. Now, forget the fact that he should have been disqualified for having such a ridiculous name. This dude would have finished the marathon nearly three hours quicker than my 2001 Pontiac Sunfire traveling 5 miles an hour.

To get an idea of human speeds sustainable for even longer distances, look at the results of the Western States 100. This endurance race is a 100.2 mile run in the Sierra mountains of California. Runners battle cold, heat, mountains, and distance to complete this race.

Scott Jurec set the men's record in 2004 by running the 100.2 miles in 15 hours 36 minutes 27 seconds. Ann Trason set the women's record with a time of 17 hours 37 minutes 51 seconds in 1994. Jurek's average speed was 6.4 miles/hour and Trason's was 5.7 miles/hour.

So now we're getting somewhere. My company wants me to troll along at 5 miles per hour, yet a woman, racing in incredibly stressful weather, going up and down mountains for 100 miles on foot would still kick my cars ass by three hours.

So much for the theoretical. I decided to do some practical tests, as I am a scientist. I let my car idle in the aisle and then slipped it from "neutral" to "drive". It started slowly forward. As I got to the end of the row, I made a right turn and looked down at the speedometer. It was at 4 mph. I hit a fairly long straightaway and the needle passed 5mph all the way up to 7mph. Not wanting to be pulled over and asked for my license and registration, I hammered the brakes. You can imagine the stress on the glass, steel and rubber of the car not to mention the strain on my seat belt.

In conclusion, there should never be a sign posted that says 5mph, ever. Instead the sign should say "STOP". I mean, just park your car and push it to where you want it to go. It would serve the same purpose.

All that said...tonight, when nobody is around, I'm gonna get a nice run down the main aisle and hit the ramp at 500% of the posted speed limit, or the equivalent of 330mph on the interstate. I'm going to be the Chuck Yeager of the parking garage.

4) Last night I hit home runs from both sides of the plate for the Kansas City Royals.

5) This just in, somewhere a World Cup game is 0-0.

6) Your underrated movie of the week is "Crazy Beautiful". Women, if you like to watch well built swarthy men with their shirts off, you'll enjoy this movie even with the sound turned down. Men...Kirsten Dunst is sort of hot. It's a sneaky good movie about love, mental illness and how difficult it is to choose one single priority in life.

7) See "The Messenger". Just do it. Rent it. Watch it. Come back here to thank me.

The Messenger Trailer Online

8) How would you know about #4? Did anyone really watch the Royals last night?

9) Every morning I get annoyed that my children get up with the chickens. Why won't they sleep? Just because the sun comes up at 5:21am now (P.S. I hate the Summer Solstice) doesn't mean you have to get up. I swear, I'm putting these kids on the treadmill until they fall from exhaustion. That exersaucer? Not nearly enough exercise being had. Let's get some barbells on there, maybe a toddler spin class...

10) Yesterday those damn kids slept until 8am and I was late for work. I was torqued because I never set my alarm anymore. I suppose the kids can't really win, can they? In a related note, I am going to see my Mom and Dad tonight and I will start with about 15 minutes of apologies for having been 4 years old at one point in time.

11) My buddy Steve was the only one who guessed at the Powerball numbers from yesterday's post. Because he's a great guy, I let him pick his own prize. All he wants is a picture of a bottle of Zazz so he can imagine what the object of my hydration/torture looks like. Of course, I'm a slacker so don't hold your breath Steve.

12) I simply cannot get into "The Bachelorette" this season. Make of that what you will.

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