Monday, April 4, 2011

Freddy the Lion

1) I woke up in a daze today. I had this loud whirring sound in my ears that I couldn't get rid of and nothing was clear. It was like something was pounding against my head. I started to feel warm and wondered if I had some sort of fever. I opened my eyes, but the more I opened them, the harder it was to see. It was then that I realized I was in the shower.

2) More interesting is the fact that it wasn't my shower.

3) Can you really count a gas station water hose as a shower at all? But I digress.

4) I'm thinking about renting a motor home. I don't particularly need one, but I think it would be nice to be able to drive around randomly and just stop and sleep. I mean, I already do this plenty, so it might be nice to have an RV with me.

5) The battery on my phone went completely dead on Saturday. To punish it, I left it off the cradle all day on Sunday. Ha! It wasn't able to ring for crank calls, wrong numbers or for people who will be "in my neighborhood" and wanted to give me an estimate on aluminum siding. I think that it has learned it's lesson. We make a sacred pact with our phones: I will generate any number of chances for it to ring. It simply has to do the ringing. If you ask me, I'm the one doing all the work in this relationship.

6) My hand is killing me. The worst part is that I don't know how I did it. Is my hand sleepwalking, like in Evil Dead II? In any event, I'm now typing like a complete spaz. And yes, it's probably tough to tell the difference.

7) Supposedly they’re gonna have a new “Vampire Slayer” show.  However, it's important that the name of the new slayer is a cool one. For years, it's been understood in pop culture that Vampires, are indeed slayed by Buffys. You go around with Agnes the Vampire Slayer, and you're asking for real trouble. Of course, Fred the Vampire Slayer is right out. The only possible choice is "Frank Stallone the Vampire Slayer".

8) In D.C., where I work, there is a "Friends of Friendship" park. That's pretty damn redundant if you ask me. Nobody did though. I wish they would.

9) The novels of Susan Sontag are self indulgent unadulterated crap.

10) "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" was on the Spanish network the other night. I couldn’t find the dang remote.. I now know how to say "Train don't run outta Witchita, lessen yer a hog or a cattle" in Spanish.

11) Why is it when you see a show about a lion in Africa, their name is always very African. Like today, I'm watching one, and the lion they follow is called "Matsumi". Does the lion know this? Does the Lion know it's in Africa? Just once, I'd like to see them follow around a Lion named Freddy.

12) I don't give a dang how beneficial they are to the environment...snakes should be wiped out. These guys who film nature shows should be required to carry machetes. Yeah. You see that bastard sneaking up on a bunch of prairie dog eggs? Cut his freaking head off. I know I'll get at least one "Amen" on that one.

13) Prairie dogs laying eggs? Forget it, he's rolling.